A Return to Blogging?

I'm sitting here at my computer with a million other things to do, contemplating whether or not I really want to commit to adding yet another task to the never-ending list. But let's be honest, I've never been very consistent at this blogging things anyway. And the two or three people that actually read this (hi, mom!) aren't going to care if I post consistently or not, so why not give it another try! Besides that, my oldest daughter as recently gotten into blogging as well, and while we haven't gotten her into a good rhythm yet, I'm excited to see where her blogging journey will take her, and it's spurred me on the join in the fun.

Life is looking a little different than the last time I wrote a post. According to my dashboard, the last post I published was in 2021 (though I see I have five drafts sitting in the que that were written after that, so apparently I've tried to get this thing up-and-going since then as well). At the time of my last post, which also happened to be published in March, our fourth kiddo was just over two years old. Now we have a fifth kiddo (number four is still the only boy, but he's holding his own with all those sisters) and I'm working part time as a religious education director while still homeschooling, helping host a book club, and all the other activities that go into family life. When I find little bits of time (which is rare) I can usually be found with yarn and a crochet hook in my hand or perusing old cookbooks for the next best recipe to make (that my kids will probably complain about and I'll never make again). 

When I started this blog it was all about family life and being a stay-at-home mom. I guess that's what it's still about. I'd like to continue sharing our day-to-day adventures, but I think I'd like to expand on it. I'd like to share some about what we're learning in our schoolwork, and how we're going about learning. I'd like to share more about what we're doing in the kitchen. I love that the older kids are starting to want to cook things themselves. Other than that I suppose I'll probably explore some of our hobbies, our outdoor adventures, what we're reading, and anything else family, motherhood, or life related that strikes my fancy at the time. To be honest, I currently feel like I'm craving a laid-back hobbit lifestyle, while the reality is that there are a lot of things pulling at my attention and a lot of things demanding I do them whether I want to or not.

I guess this rambling post is just to say, "I'm back! Come along for the ride if you'd like!" You're always welcome to comment! (I love a good conversation. If you've known me for any length of time you know I like to talk...a lot.)

Thanks for being here! 💕

Fresh Start

Here we are at the beginning of a new year. 2016, here we go!

I suppose the usual protocol would be to start with new year's resolutions...but you can look back at the last few posts on this blog and see just how well that's gone in the past. Every year I make a list, and every year it's fallen to the wayside by the end of February. (Does anyone ever make it past February?!) So this year is going to be different. This year I'm starting with a little bit of a different perspective, and while I wish what's happening wasn't, I'm going to take it and use it to shape the rest of the year.

Around the 4th of July in 2014 Papa (my maternal grandfather) was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. We had a world of confidence that he would overcome it as he underwent treatment at the University of Iowa. During a checkup in May of 2015 they discovered that it had come back and made an action plan, but the doctors said that in all honestly we would be lucky to keep him with us through August and until then we should make the most of it.

Granny & Papa at Thanksmas with 13 of their 21 grandchildren.

The week of Christmas he finished his final dose of yet another round of chemo. Couple this (I believe this was his third round total) with the radiation he'd already endured and you can see the long hard battle he's been fighting this past year. This round was supposed to take care of it. It was supposed to be gone. He had felt good and we all thought he was on the mend. More than once on this journey Papa had said that if it came back he wasn't going to treat it again, only to change his mind when he heard the dreaded news.

Dancing with Papa at our wedding.

This past week was his two week check up from the chemo he received before Christmas. With a swelling mass under his chin the news that came was expected...it is back, and more aggressive than before. This week he goes back to the hospital for a six day stay. During his time there he'll be hooked up to an i.v. to receive one last round of chemotherapy. It's the last possible thing they can give him. Outlook isn't great. They say it's not strong enough to really get rid of something this aggressive, but it should at least give some hope of feeling a little better.

When I heard all of this I cried. I mean I cried all night. I would stop crying and one look from my husband or a simple "Are you okay?" would send me into another bout of tears. I was thankful for the extra time that we'd been given, but still sad. When my mom told me the news I tried to stay positive for her. "We've had him with us for a lot longer than they said we would. We'll spend as much time with him as we can from now on." I tried to stay positive, to remember that God has a plan and that Papa has lived a full life.

I regret not asking him more, not listening better, not recording more of his stories. By the time I though to do so Papa had suffered a stroke and had trouble remembering many of the stories he had once told us. Some of those memories seemed to come back, but then he was headlong into treatment for his lymphoma and I hated to keep him awake when he needed his rest.

Besides all of those unanswered questions and lost stories, what I really want to ask him...the thing I really want to know...is "Are you scared?" I'm genuinely curious, but also, I think that if it were me, I'd want someone to ask me that. We spend so much time being brave and hiding our vulnerability. It isn't easy to keep fear hidden. And if he's not afraid I'd love to know too, because I'd love to know how to find that peace. And honestly, selfishly, I think dealing with what seems inevitable would be easier for those of us left behind knowing he was at peace with everything.

Lissy & Papa in November of 2014.

So as we go into 2016, I want to live life. I want to really be conscious of how I treat other people and how I go about interacting with them. I want to take life slower, stop stressing about what I can't change, and be more present in the moment. I want to ask people for their stories, collecting their memories to pass on to my own children and learning from the way they've lived. I don't care what I weigh, how many books I read, or how much we have saved at the end of the year. I want to smile. I want to help other people smile. I want to make an honest effort to ask people how they're doing and really listen to their responses. 

2016...Let's do this!