Playing in the Dirt

Who else is itching to get out in the garden? We went from days that were freezing to days that were warm enough for shorts and a tshirt within a week, and while I know there's a very real chance that it'll get cold again, I can't help but be excited for spring!

As it turns out, my gardens are definitely getting turned up and ready for planting, but it's not me doing the digging! My sweet little baby has decided that as a 1 year old he's now too big to sit at Mama's feet while his sisters run wild in the yard, and he's decided that the last garden box in the row is his for the playing! As soon as we get to the yard he makes a bee-line for it. Sometimes he pauses near my chair just long enough to sit down and take of his shoes and socks before continuing on his way. It makes me so happy!

He couldn't care less that he'll get dirty, and he certainly doesn't complain about the bath later. (I swear that boy is part fish!) He loves to squish it, loves to dig it, loves to run his hands through it, and of course, loves to hold it over his head...and drop it. He comes in looking like one big ball of dirt, but with the biggest smile. I kid you not, nothing else keeps that boys attention for long, he's always on the go, but he will sit in that garden box for an entire hour with a little shovel and just dig and play!

Despite being the only boy, he's not the first of my kids to love the dirt. The first summer we had a garden I'd often find Lissy and Gwyn sitting at the edge playing in the mud. I remember going out one of the first days after we'd tilled the spot for the garden and Lissy laid herself down in the middle of it and tried to make snow angels in the dirt. 

As much as I'm grateful for technology (and we use it often), I'm also so grateful for these outdoor experiences. The love of nature that these kids have and the imagination that runs wild at the sight of a rock or a stick still amazes me nearly seven years after starting this journey of motherhood. These are the memories I want them to have. These are the moments I hope stick with them and shape them forever. The lesson: simplicity. You don't need a million toys or gadgets to have fun or be entertained. There's magic in nature and the ability to nurture your imagination. Sunshine helps things grow: flowers, food, children, and your appreciation for the little things in life.

Looking to Heaven

Yesterday we had planned on having our first ultrasound. We excited to get to see our newest sweet addition wiggle on the screen. We were excited to hear baby's heartbeat and bring back pictures to show anxious big sisters and baby-obsessed big brother. We were full of joy.

One week earlier we got to see our little one, but in circumstances that left us feeling much different. At 10 weeks along baby only measured 7 weeks. The ultrasound tech was silent the whole time as he measured baby and attempted to over and over to get any sign of a heartbeat. There wasn't one. Our sweet little James was born the next day. 

Yesterday, instead of going to our ultrasound, we drove to the church I grew up in, the church we met and married in. We sat surrounded by our family while the priest reminded us that life begins at conception and that our little one was still a life, if only briefly. That James still had a soul and was now in Heaven. The girls keep saying, "Mama Mary is snuggling our baby now." Yes, my sweet girls, his Mama Mary is holding him until we can in Heaven.

We drove to the cemetery and left him there. My mama had gotten a little solar light to place over him. His sisters left it there are a nightlight for their baby brother.

Grief is hard. Everyone handles it differently, and as the adult trying to help littles navigate their own grief while also dealing with my feelings it's been even more difficult. I'm glad they've found some light. As sad and angry as they were when we first told them, they've found some happiness in knowing that he's in Heaven. They seem to find solace in the image of Mama Mary holding their baby brother. That child-like view is exactly what I want to cling to. This wasn't my plan. I wanted to he the one to hold my baby, to cuddle him and give him kisses. But that wasn't God's plan. So now we move forward, knowing, as St. Zelie Martin said, that "we shall find our little ones again up above."